Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Lenny made a very interesting comment this evening. He remarked that it seemed like I'd been getting my way this past week. Cody came to church with me, and "Carolyn promised to be nice to people." I had, he said, been getting what I wanted.

Before he specified the two aforementioned things, I was aghast. I've been in the midst of a bout of loneliness, magnified by Liesel and Andy deciding to officially be a couple. My heart had been walking on crutches since Monday, and to a degree beforehand. When I heard the phrase "what you want," my mind went immediately to the word girlfriend.

This is me admitting my foolishness.

In the first place, Liesel getting a boyfriend is no particular loss to me. We're friends, and were, by conscious choice, going to remain that way for the indefinite future. Try telling that to my heart, though. Won't listen to reason, bloody thing.

Furthermore, lots of awesome things have been happening lately. Not the things that have been at the forefront of my mind, but things that have needed to happen. Cody coming to church. Deep conversations with friends. I have indeed wanted these things, but I've lately been distracted by wanting someone to hug.

God is rightly focused on getting done what needs to happen, rather than on getting me what I want for myself. It hurts sometimes when there's a gap between need and want... but I pray that needs prevail. A lot of what I want for myself is shortsighted and poorly thought out.

I've got to pay more attention - yes, more attention - to what's truly important, and less attention to my more selfish desires. Some of my desires are quite healthy, to be sure... but mostly, they lead to me getting behind on homework.

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