Thursday, January 29, 2009


Today is a tangle of different responsiilities. It's my last day in Human Resources, and it's payday, and there are checks to hand out. One of many responsibilities that will no longer be mine in a scant few hours. Who will handle them is, in many cases, a large hovering question mark.

Tomorrow, I start in the Training Section, where I will occasionally make decisions and use my creativity. On the job. Weird. I'll also get to practice teaching and communicating with technology. It's a pretty amazing opportunity. I can almost hear God chuckling to Himself.

I'm also going to be taking on more responsibilities at church, which are no less exciting. Some teaching, some tech stuff, some other duties as required. Sorry. HR reference. I'm glad for all these chances to serve.

Which are going to lead to me being pretty busy. In addition to all the aforementioned stuff, I've got another ministry class coming up at the end of February. As I recently observed on Twitter, I'm getting to the point that I'm going to have to schedule all my time, both work and play.

Generally, I prefer when I don't have to abide by a strict schedule. I prefer to have free time as often as possible, and in the past, I've gotten depressed when I've had a lot to do at one time, even if it's all good stuff. More and more, though, that's changing. I'm learning how limited time is, and where my priorities are. I'm trying to convince my friends to schedule a weekly time to get together and play games, because if we don't, it probably won't happen.

I'm learning that in the end, leisure isn't a right. Free time is a misnomer. It always costs something. That's not a bad thing. It just means we need to examine our priorities, and evaluate those things we commit ourselves to.

Then, really commit.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Gaining Light

A beautiful start to the day. Doesn't hurt that it's Friday.

I've known for some time that I'm called to be selfless, not to worry, and to live life to the full, rather than with a spirit of fear. I tend toward perfectionism, though. Funny how much anxiety that generates, how much fear of your own rejection, and simultaneous judgment of others.

Yeah, I'm ready to move on. And I've been making solid progress. I'll be spending a lot of time in Romans 8, I think.

Friday, January 02, 2009


I've got this girl running through my head. I don't know if she exists. I've met some that I thought were her, some that still might be, but then again, might not. Whether or not she's real, I'm impatient to meet her. If that sounds problematic, it is.

I honestly have trouble discerning what in me is normal, healthy attraction to attractive people, and what comes from the covetous, lusting side that breeds needless desperation. I still don't know where the balance is between patience and initiative in seeking this theoretical girl. At times I've held back rather than risk rejection, and at times - perhaps more often - I've gotten too attached too early, and been far too forward. Maybe this is all terribly mundane, but it still causes me a fair share of angst.

I'm going to try something different. I'm going to describe her, in part. This is, of course, an idealized image. A fantasy, probably. I'm not sure what I hope to gain by posting this, but maybe it has something to do with exposing my hopes, rather than holding them in. I hope it doesn't do more harm than good.

In any case, here she is.

She loves me, but she loves Jesus more. This is essential.

She gets me, but still loves me. She isn't afraid to learn what's within me. She's nice, but not a pushover. She doesn't compromise the truth, but she's gentle. I want someone who doesn't just tolerate me out of obligation, doesn't just humor me out of politeness, but actually likes being around me. She's actually a little embarrassed by how much she likes me, and doesn't need an excuse to spend time with me.

She's affectionate, and expresses it physically, sometimes aggressively. But not overly so. She loves nothing more than just resting in my arms and talking with me for hours. Somehow, she can be sarcastic without being hurtful. Sometimes, she says things that only I - intuitively - understand. She's crazy, but lucid.

I want a girl who's just a little smarter than me, perhaps wiser, but either doesn't notice or doesn't care.

She can be energetic without being hyper, and calm without being boring. More than any other physical attribute, she has a killer smile. She not only appreciates music, but can get into it. As long as I'm fantasizing, she can also sing. She's insightful, and encouraging.

She's more than I could rightly ask for.

There. My dream girl. As yet, hypothetical. Soon, I hope to be truly okay with that.