I've got this girl running through my head. I don't know if she exists. I've met some that I thought were her, some that still might be, but then again, might not. Whether or not she's real, I'm impatient to meet her. If that sounds problematic, it is.
I honestly have trouble discerning what in me is normal, healthy attraction to attractive people, and what comes from the covetous, lusting side that breeds needless desperation. I still don't know where the balance is between patience and initiative in seeking this theoretical girl. At times I've held back rather than risk rejection, and at times - perhaps more often - I've gotten too attached too early, and been far too forward. Maybe this is all terribly mundane, but it still causes me a fair share of angst.
I'm going to try something different. I'm going to describe her, in part. This is, of course, an idealized image. A fantasy, probably. I'm not sure what I hope to gain by posting this, but maybe it has something to do with exposing my hopes, rather than holding them in. I hope it doesn't do more harm than good.
In any case, here she is.
She loves me, but she loves Jesus more. This is essential.
She gets me, but still loves me. She isn't afraid to learn what's within me. She's nice, but not a pushover. She doesn't compromise the truth, but she's gentle. I want someone who doesn't just tolerate me out of obligation, doesn't just humor me out of politeness, but actually likes being around me. She's actually a little embarrassed by how much she likes me, and doesn't need an excuse to spend time with me.
She's affectionate, and expresses it physically, sometimes aggressively. But not overly so. She loves nothing more than just resting in my arms and talking with me for hours. Somehow, she can be sarcastic without being hurtful. Sometimes, she says things that only I - intuitively - understand. She's crazy, but lucid.
I want a girl who's just a little smarter than me, perhaps wiser, but either doesn't notice or doesn't care.
She can be energetic without being hyper, and calm without being boring. More than any other physical attribute, she has a killer smile. She not only appreciates music, but can get into it. As long as I'm fantasizing, she can also sing. She's insightful, and encouraging.
She's more than I could rightly ask for.
There. My dream girl. As yet, hypothetical. Soon, I hope to be truly okay with that.