Thursday, April 01, 2004

If I had a time machine, I would put on the Pay-Per-View event of the century. Several centuries, actually.

(In Which Historical and Literary Figures Put the Smack Down on Each Other Because it's Just Too Good.)

Round 1: Josef Stalin vs. Mao Tse-tung. Don't tell me you didn't want to see that one.

Round 2: Nelson Mandela vs. Mahatma Ghandi. Passive no more!

Round 3: Charles Dickens vs. Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Years of oppression have built rather a lot of angst. Time to vent.

Round 4: Leonardo da Vinci vs. Stephen Hawking. The first in our chess series. Watch Gary Kasparov's eyes well up with tears.

Round 5: Niccolo Machiavelli vs. Rasputin. One more step on the rise to power.

Round 6: Alan Ginsberg vs. Jack Kerouac. Winner gets a bag of rare peyote.

Round 7: Dorian Gray vs. Doctor Faustus. Clash of the anti-heroes! Who do you want to lose most?

Round 8: Aristotle vs. Isaac Newton. The second chess game. Root for your favorite set of natural laws!

Round 9: Achilles vs. Beowulf. I don't care who wins. I just wanna see it.

Round 10: Lorenzo de Medici vs. Estella Havisham. Factual versus fictional. A personality clash that will leave the rafters shaking. Of course, if those two get together, it's all over.

Round 11: Raphael vs. Mephistopholes. Paradise Lost and Doctor Faustus have their parallels. Now the two collide like celestial freight trains.

Round 12: Karl Marx vs. Adam Smith. Place your bets, economists and boxing fans alike!

Round 13: Socrates vs. Confucious. An epic game of chess, followed by a round of go. If there's a tie, there may be mayhem.

Round 14: John Calvin & Thomas Hobbes vs. John Locke & Ralph Waldo Emmerson. The main event. A tag team match to settle the fate of all humanity! Philosophically.

He, he.

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