Today was pretty uneventful. Caught up, pretty much, with the work I'm doing for Dad, drafting a medical office building. Read the story of David's adultery with Bathsheba, and its consequences. And turned 21.

I'd been planning for years to have an uneventful 21st birthday, and so it was. Had some pizza and cake with Dad and Lori, and that was enough. Now, I'm writing this and Dad's watching Stargate. I'm kinda missing my friends, but I know I'll see people soon enough.

Not bad at all.

I wanna talk more about Jesus, but I don't have the words just now. I love Him, though, and He loves me. If you find that idea ridiculous, oh well. I hope you'll come around in time.

Life as I know it is simply not the same as it was at the beginning of June.

I have done precious little work in the past two months. Next to nothing, in fact. In essence, I've been on a long vacation. I've read three books and two graphic novels, played an awful lot of video games, and spent a good amount of time with friends. Haven't done much roleplaying, except for the online variety, which is making a comeback.

Haven't been earning any money, besides a few dollars here and there babysitting Jessica. I find myself poor once again.

At present, I sit up in Grass Valley, fairly isolated from the world I'm still adjusting to. Come to think of it, this is another part of the adjustment. Still waiting for the big rush of work to hit, and watering plants in the meantime. Doesn't sound like much, but you likely haven't seen the foliage up here.

More than usual, I've been fiending to go out on a date. Fiend is definitely the right word. Implies a certain diabolical influence. Perhaps that's not entirely fair, but I hardly feel like being fair when my heart is plotting its escape from my chest. In all honesty, it's only felt like that on a couple isolated occasions, but it's quite memorable. And, in the words of Metallica, the memory remains.

I'm laughing at myself a little, now.

At intervals, I've felt a sort of spiritual dryness lately. I feel as though God is asking something of me that I'm not quite ready to give. More of my time, or attention. Whatever it is, it's designed to deepen my trust in Jesus. That much I know. Kinda scary. Means I might have to do something odd that'll improve my life. Or someone else's.

On a somewhat related note, I'm slowly learning when it is necessary not to try to help a given situation. Slowly. All too often, trying too hard is like scrubbing porcelain with steel wool, saying What? Don't get mad at me! I was just trying to clean it! Ill advised, and unhelpful to the point of being destructive.

I'm kinda scared to pray to learn hard lessons quickly. God delivers an object lesson when He has to.

...I try to keep personal issues that involve other people vague on this blog. The Internet is hardly an appropriate place to air grievances, and a really easy place to start a fight. It's easy to say just about anything through faceless text, isn't it? I much prefer to discuss interpersonal issues face to face, or at least in real time, on the phone or through IM. Hurts more. More uncomfortable, too. Should be that way, so you get to the bottom of things instead of just saying what's easy to say.

Those readers who pray, pray that my heart and my mouth can come to terms in their relationship. I need an armed guard at my lips, blocking the worthless and ushering through what needs to be said.

When it all goes down, this is what you might just hear in the background. I present to you, under the guise of DJ Razorclown, Let it All Fall: The Soundtrack to the Apocalypse.

1) Creed - Torn [I needn't defend myself for liking this band.]
2) Metallica and the San Francisco Symphony - For Whom the Bell Tolls
3) Silverchair and Vitro - Spawn
4) Stabbing Westward - Falls Apart
5) System of a Down - Jet Pilot
6) Rage Against the Machine - Ashes in the Fall
7) P.O.D. - Bullet the Blue Sky
8) Tool - Aenima
9) Evanescence - My Last Breath
10) Rammstein - Mein Herz Brennt
11) Nightwish - End of All Hope
12) Killswitch Engage - World Ablaze
13) Dogwood - Everything Dies in Time
14) Soundgarden - Mailman
15) Powerman 5000 - Supernova Goes Pop
16) System of a Down - Toxicity
17) Killswitch Engage - When Darkness Falls
18) [11 seconds of silence]
19) [twist ending]

Track 19 is a song I love, which reminds us what happens at the very end.

No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since love is Lord of heaven and earth,
How can I keep from singing?
-Enya, "How Can I Keep From Singing?"

As I create CDs, I notice certain songs sneaking their way back into the mix. Favorites of mine, usually very mood-enducing. "Ashes in the Fall" is one of those, as are "Supernova Goes Pop" and "Mein Herz Brennt." All are effectively dramatic in their way, which I like in a song. The first is ideal for stirring up raw aggression and rage (no surprise). The second capitalizes on an infectious guitar riff and undeniable forward momentum. The last is simply apocalyptic.

Rock to the last.

As Jesus was leaving the temple, one of his disciples said to him, "Look, Teacher! What massive stones! What magnificent buildings!"
"Do you see all these great buildings?" replied Jesus. "Not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down."
-Mark 13:1-2

Killswitch Engage is an absolutely amazing band. Inspirational lyrics presented in hardcore style - screamed over hammering guitars. A thing of beauty to be sure. I've just picked up their The End of Heartache. Just what I needed.

Been having a tough time just recently. Kinda feels like rats chewing on my guts at intervals. Been craving a deep interpersonal connection recently... and having one, actually. But the craving continues. Unfortunate.

I worry too much about my friends who are dating. I've seen so many relationships blow up and hurt all involved, and now I shudder when people I know start romances. A sad state of affairs, as it were.

From time to time, I remember that worrying is harmful and useless. I have to keep reminding myself, though. Problem is that the gnawing in my gut is part worry and part jealousy. What a bizarre state. And it's been hitting me pretty hard.

But it will pass soon enough. In the meantime... well, everything is going well. Very well. I'm blessed with my new house, new job, good friends, and all else.

(Seek me) for comfort
(Call me) for solace
(I'll be waiting) for the end of my broken heart.

-Killswitch Engage, "The End of Heartache"

It's been a week here at my new house. It's taken an effort to refer to "my Mom's house" as such, and the room full of my stuff here in Carolyn's house as mine. Since Dad's been busy, I've been on an extended vacation since I quit working at Corti Brothers. Still trying to find the balance between spending time with Carolyn and making a general nuisance of myself. Just too tempting to make my way across the house to a friend's place when it's right there. May take a little time to get the dynamic just right, but things are going smoothly enough. I'm very grateful.

God has provided well for me, to be sure. A room with cheap rent, opportunites to talk to my friends, a job with Dad... gotta love it. And time. I've finally taken the time to read the Bible and pray in the mornings. Makes quite a difference; offers the day something of a frame of reference. There's always something relevant, something valuable, in the Bible.

Anyone trying to call me would do well to call Carolyn's house, since that's where I live now. Moved yesterday. Anyone who needs the number should e-mail me.

For anyone for whom this is news, hi. How ya doing? I moved. The rent Carolyn's mom offered me was too good to pass up, and the house is in a great location. And Carolyn is just across the house, so I get an older sister. Two months older, but all the same. I think this whole arrangement is going to be quite a blessing.

You have heard that the law of Moses says, “Do not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.” But I say, if you are angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the high council. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell.
-Matthew 5:21

So, I was feeling kinda hot for a while there.

When I think of the sins in my life, I tend to gloss over anger. Generally, I’m a pretty peaceful guy. When I lose my patience with someone, I tend to identify it as a problem with pride, which it often is. But anger is not to be ignored.

John, I’m sorry. I’ve repeatedly cursed you and demeaned you in front of others, so I may as well apologize thus. I hope you’ll forgive me. I’ve been called to patience, and more than that, love, toward everyone. But I’ve gotten angry instead. I’m sorry.

Sometimes I want to set the whole world on fire.

I don't think that's my idea, though.

Maybe you don't belive in Satan.

Maybe that's what he wants.

Do not think, m'lady, that when I call you my lady, I presume that you belong to me.

[this applies to every woman i've ever called "m'lady." which is, i think, every girl i've ever known.]

One Sunday, Pastor Doug used a call-and-response bit as part of his sermon. He would say "be strong and courageous," and the congregation would respond, "be strong, and very courageous."

I've thought about that since. Strength we need, but more than that, we need courage. I could be the strongest man alive, but still be afraid to get out of bed in the morning. I could have the power to change the world, but never do it for fear of the consequences. For fear that I might fail.

Strength and courage. Strength, and much courage.

Once again, John has made a comment in my guestbook that warrants a public response. It follows:

I seem to remember hearing you once saying you were looking for someone 'who would be a good wife' rather then someone you love.... (frankly if such a thing is true, I'm deeply disturbed by such sentiment)

*waves hand*

But thats not the point of this post. I guess the only thing I can say for you is that you have only yourself to blame (regarding Liesel). The two of you were obviously very much interested in each other, and I think that it's sad that you decided to punish not only yourself but the one you loved (?) simply on the matter of spirituality. I know you will say that that is THE cornerstone of your very existance and you would not be here if it weren't for God, BUT *sighs loudly and shakes head*...

Regardless, on to the next thing I wanted to share. Your recent... clingyness (for severe lack of a better word) has been bothering me lately. I guess part of it is that I've never been big on unsolicited physical intimacy (in most cases). I enjoy it, very much so, but somehow I find it rather rude when a person hangs off one who has given no signals that they want such behavior or wish it to continue. I'm sure this is just me, and not you, but I felt compelled to share. Besides, my discussion with Neko made much sense. You are, after all, only human and can only resist being a boy for so long.

I knew there was more I wanted to say, and I'm not sure I said everything as well as I wanted to, but posting it gets it out there. I really would like to spend some more time with you in the future, as we rarely get to hang out/talk and usually your to busy looking after us when I do see you ;-P

But I think it's important to say that you are indeed one of the finest human beings I know, and that I have never known you to not have your heart in the right place. Peace and love, brother.

john

My response, paragraph by paragraph:

I failed to make something clear during my earlier discussion on romance. Someone with that kind of compatibility, with all the things that would make a lasting relationship possible... I mean, how could you not fall in love with someone like that? The basis of the relationship should not be strong feelings, but compatibility. Feelings, though, are going to be present.

But nothing. Jesus is the cornerstone of my life, and should be when He's not. I belive that by not going out with Liesel, I've saved us both pain. Certainly, this path hurts, too. But I belive it's honestly better for both of us. Liesel and I are still friends,and I love the relationship we have. I've gone out of my way not to hurt her and myself. There is nothing of punishment in my actions, but love.

I am aware of my clinginess. It's one of the most prominent issues in my life. And I'm making continual efforts to combat it. I have apologized to Carolyn on several occasions. But by no means am I trying to resist being a boy. I'm trying to do it correctly.

I will have more time soon, I think, to spend with people. You're most definitely on my list.

I often have to drag my heart into the right place. I'm just glad I know which general direction to drag it in. Thanks.

Lenny made a very interesting comment this evening. He remarked that it seemed like I'd been getting my way this past week. Cody came to church with me, and "Carolyn promised to be nice to people." I had, he said, been getting what I wanted.

Before he specified the two aforementioned things, I was aghast. I've been in the midst of a bout of loneliness, magnified by Liesel and Andy deciding to officially be a couple. My heart had been walking on crutches since Monday, and to a degree beforehand. When I heard the phrase "what you want," my mind went immediately to the word girlfriend.

This is me admitting my foolishness.

In the first place, Liesel getting a boyfriend is no particular loss to me. We're friends, and were, by conscious choice, going to remain that way for the indefinite future. Try telling that to my heart, though. Won't listen to reason, bloody thing.

Furthermore, lots of awesome things have been happening lately. Not the things that have been at the forefront of my mind, but things that have needed to happen. Cody coming to church. Deep conversations with friends. I have indeed wanted these things, but I've lately been distracted by wanting someone to hug.

God is rightly focused on getting done what needs to happen, rather than on getting me what I want for myself. It hurts sometimes when there's a gap between need and want... but I pray that needs prevail. A lot of what I want for myself is shortsighted and poorly thought out.

I've got to pay more attention - yes, more attention - to what's truly important, and less attention to my more selfish desires. Some of my desires are quite healthy, to be sure... but mostly, they lead to me getting behind on homework.

I would like a shirt. A black shirt, with white print on it. There need only be two things on it. First, the word zealot in easily readable text on the front. Second, a simple cross on the back, spread across the shoulders.

I aspire to an intelligent sort of zealotry. A sort of ecstatic focus that sharpens, rather than muddles the mind. Focus that builds discipline, knowledge, and strength. Mmm. That would be neat.

At present, I'm merely busy. That is to say, in a state of buzzing between tasks, watching deadlines loom closer and closer, forcing me to prioritize one project only to neglect another. Procrastination is much to blame, and though I have a few excuses, none of them are truly worth mentioning. The word "nonsense" comes to mind, in regards to both my excuses, and many of the items on my schedule. It's not that my schedule is full of meaningless things. It's just not sensical that they're all mashed onto the same schedule.

As others have noted, this is going to be a good month for change, and I am no exception. God willing, I will soon have a near-ideal job working for my Dad, will have moved out of the house, and will have much more time on my hands. How much do I hope that will happen? Hoo, boy.

I have a lot to be thankful for, in the meantime. Honest, candid discussions with my friends... much needed, to be sure. Glad they're happening. I'm really glad that Cody came to church with me this morning. I pray that he'll find what he really needs.

I've had Nightwish's "Beauty of the Beast" stuck in my head for two days, and I don't really mind.

The Links page has been updated.

"Beware, O lord, of jealousy. It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on."
-Iago, Othello

I don't need a romantic relationship right now. I don't have the time, the girl, or the circumstances needed. And yet, my emotions fail to see the logic of the situation. Thing is, several people around me have the potential to form relationships now. My mind envisions relationships with some of these people, and my heart thinks they could be very nice.

Jealousy arises even at the potential for someone else to have something I don't have.

"This, too, is vanity."
-Ecclesiastes

It's foolish to be jealous when you're so well provided for, as I am. Affection, I get. Love, certainly. These are things I am jealous for, yet in all actuality, I have them. I shall have to take stock of things more often when I'm feeling short-changed. It may just cheer me up.

Speaking of which... happy Easter, everyone. The power of Jesus Christ has defeated death. How do you like them apples?

If I had a time machine, I would put on the Pay-Per-View event of the century. Several centuries, actually.

VERSUS.
(In Which Historical and Literary Figures Put the Smack Down on Each Other Because it's Just Too Good.)

Round 1: Josef Stalin vs. Mao Tse-tung. Don't tell me you didn't want to see that one.

Round 2: Nelson Mandela vs. Mahatma Ghandi. Passive no more!

Round 3: Charles Dickens vs. Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Years of oppression have built rather a lot of angst. Time to vent.

Round 4: Leonardo da Vinci vs. Stephen Hawking. The first in our chess series. Watch Gary Kasparov's eyes well up with tears.

Round 5: Niccolo Machiavelli vs. Rasputin. One more step on the rise to power.

Round 6: Alan Ginsberg vs. Jack Kerouac. Winner gets a bag of rare peyote.

Round 7: Dorian Gray vs. Doctor Faustus. Clash of the anti-heroes! Who do you want to lose most?

Round 8: Aristotle vs. Isaac Newton. The second chess game. Root for your favorite set of natural laws!

Round 9: Achilles vs. Beowulf. I don't care who wins. I just wanna see it.

Round 10: Lorenzo de Medici vs. Estella Havisham. Factual versus fictional. A personality clash that will leave the rafters shaking. Of course, if those two get together, it's all over.

Round 11: Raphael vs. Mephistopholes. Paradise Lost and Doctor Faustus have their parallels. Now the two collide like celestial freight trains.

Round 12: Karl Marx vs. Adam Smith. Place your bets, economists and boxing fans alike!

Round 13: Socrates vs. Confucious. An epic game of chess, followed by a round of go. If there's a tie, there may be mayhem.

Round 14: John Calvin & Thomas Hobbes vs. John Locke & Ralph Waldo Emmerson. The main event. A tag team match to settle the fate of all humanity! Philosophically.

He, he.

I should clarify my previous two posts.

I used to be a hopeless romantic. Turns out that part of that deal is being hopeless. Should have figured. For the longest time, I bought into the Romantic glorification of falling in love. I'm done with that, now.

Done.

I have found in a scant few years of mixed romantic experiences that feelings, even strong mutual feelings, fluctuate. They can disappear and reappear. Can and do. So why base a relationship on something so inconsistent? Or a marriage? Yet the expectation, the clich?, is "fall in love and get married." At least, it was.

Marriage has lost its meaning, as far as some people are concerned. It's a promise that's almost expected to be broken. I would suggest that this is because so many couples expected to stay in love forever. No one told them that it doesn't work that way.

More and more often, I realize that central aspects of the world around me are dysfunctional. I think the very institution of dating may be one of them, as we're expected to approach it.

So, I may just be done with that, too.

I'm in the process of formulating an... alternate approach. It will involve lots of prayer, a philosophical discussion or two I'm sure, and much reading of the Bible. Sure, I'll still fall in love from time to time, but I intend to have an entirely different reaction. The romantic in me is protesting loudly, but he's had his say in the past. I think it's time for something new.

As though in answer to my question (thank you, Lord), a copy of The Church Herald appeared in my living room. The front page article: "Courtship and Marriage: Is it All About Love?"

The article puts forth the radical ideas that dating is an artificial construct, romantic love is fleeting and inconsistent, and that for a successful marriage, commitment is a higher priority even than love.

Madness.

Look around for a moment. Think back. Think forward, if you can. Examine your heart, and all that's run through... and over it.

Is it possible that our society's approach to and notions about love are completely backward?

I'd say it's not only possible... it's highly likely.

Twenty-four oceans, twenty-four skies,
twenty-four failures in twenty-four tries.
Twenty-four finds me in twenty-fourth place.
With twenty-four dropouts at the end of the day.

Life is not what I thought it was
twenty-four hours ago.
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You.'
And I'm not who I thought I was
twenty-four hours ago.
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You.'

There's twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
with all my excuses still twenty-four strong.

But see, I'm not copping out
When you're raising the dead in me

Oh, I am the second man
Oh, I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now

And you're raising these twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
With all of my symphonies in twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
Singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
You're raising the dead in me

-Switchfoot, "Twenty-Four"

Been stuck in my head for a few days. It may take something like resurrection for to me to maintain my current schedule. Busier than I've been in a while, which isn't much by some standards. Still, pretty busy. It would be easy to back out of my classes, and easy enough to justify. But... I want to be through with that.

Because there's a minute possibility that I might just be able to handle this. I know, I'm shocked, too.